The USAF-al Qaeda Aerial Bombing Consolidation Act

Posted: September 16, 2013 in Norman Ball
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He Who Controls the Present, Remote-Controls Da Planes (Satire)

Norman Ball reporting

In what’s being widely hailed both as a triumph of bipartisan cooperation and unassailable evidence for the existence of Congressional off-shore bank accounts, the ‘USAF-al Qaeda Aerial Bombing Consolidation Act’ sailed through House and Senate chambers today as though borne aloft on the wings of an F/A-18.

A spokesman for the lobbying group spearheading the effort on Capitol Hill—the Project for a New American Abyss (PNAA)—could be heard pinching himself over the phone. “As Straussians, we’re all about running the ball. So the direction doesn’t really matter. Clearly this partnership offers a whole new vista for bold declarative statements and galvanizing events.”

Military analysts were more divided, though one ventured a note of cautious optimism: “It’s a shrewd gambit, and the first time military assets have ever been shared with an adversary who dreams of our complete and utter cessation. However if we’ve learned anything in the last sixty years of permanent war footing, it is that the rules of engagement are continually changing. In short, it could work. If it doesn’t, we can always initiate a conflict to degrade our loaned-out assets. As long as the world keeps rolling in a generally bellicose direction, things should work out fine.”

On Capitol Hill, Senator Porker Jowls, Republican sponsor of the bill and a frequent traveler to Qatar with large, empty satchels, struck a triumphant note: “Today’s crucial milestone would not have been possible without this great nation’s Mach speed attention span. I call therefore on the remaining sharpest tacks in the Great American Drawer to join the rest of us in forgetting so that we might all profitably move forward.”

Later, on a conference call, an al Qaeda spokesman expressed what can only be called polite wariness:

“Given that our indigenous air force is devoid of conventional landing skills, this merger fills a strategic void. The prospect of repeated bombing runs and sorties in the same planes opens up an exciting new dimension to our airborne capabilities. Unfortunately we will be riffing our suicide-hijacker division. We wish them well pursuing fresh nihilistic opportunities elsewhere.

Did the erstwhile terrorist organization resent a late provision in the bill precluding its members from being left unsupervised in USAF cockpits?

“We recognize the sensitivity. Fortunately we’re not strangers to overcoming cockpit resistance. It’ll take time though. Today we choose to emphasize the positive aspects of this historic alliance.”

He paused before continuing…

“I don’t wish to overstate the cooperation aspects of this historic agreement since we will be continuing our virulent, campaign of terror in select locations while supplies last. So please check your local newspapers to see if your al Qaeda cell is participating. Let me just say on behalf of the corporate office that we welcome the Great Satan’s embrace with jubilance, realpolitik and long-term strategic calculation.

Attempting a lighter note, one reporter on the conference call asked: “How will it feel waking up every morning not knowing whether to expect a drone attack or a Boeing flight manual?”

The spokesman laughed. “You know, life is a long game with virgins at the end. We’ll muddle through.”

Meanwhile the One Labored Breath at a Time Foundation (OLBAATF) managed, on behalf of New York City’s beleaguered 911 first responders, only a muted response due mostly to degraded lung capacity. Said one haggard fireman: “It sort of takes the wind out of you in more ways than one.”

Hear, hear sir. It certainly does. Rest assured this reporter will do his utmost to keep your fading voice heard above the riffraff.



Norman Ball is a businessman, author and poet whose essays have appeared in Counterpunch, Asia Times, The Western Muslim, The Glasgow Herald and elsewhere. His new book is “Between River and Rock: How I Resolved Television in Six Easy Payments” is available here.

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