The Fucking Lone Ranger (2013)

Posted: October 6, 2013 in Joe Giambrone
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

THE LONE RANGER

I was suckered into sitting through this thing at the $2 theater.  We had to waste some time and sober up for a while.

Everything you’ve heard about it is true.  Abysmally bad, an insult to humanity, really.  It tasted like a soup with ice cream and marmalade and pork and garlic, hot sauce, chocolate syrup, chipotle, beer, ginger, confectioners sugar – blended all up while John Phillip Sousa music blares at 11.  In other words, something like this:

7

I felt like a giant Mickey Rat tortured me for six hours.  In other words a fun time for all, and some others in the theater called it a “great movie,” to their impressionable children no less.

In the words of the prophet, Bill Hicks, “Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America.”

They appeared to try.  So it was difficult to figure why it is so unwatchable.  It doesn’t know if it’s a slapstick comedy or a chilling drama about genocide, and the corporate scum at the top of the chain don’t really give a fuck.  Perhaps it was re-imagined by a computer program and directed by some experimental DARPA funded director-bot.  At least if it was a robot in beta testing we could cut the guy some slack, but I have a feeling this hack is still consuming our precious oxygen.

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