From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores
of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool
Seizing the opportunity both to flex its domestic drone capability and finish what the Nazis failed to accomplish on Omaha Beach, the NSA has turned its airborne lethality on WWII vets currently attempting a beachhead at various DC monument sites commemorating past and fading glories.
Agreeing to meet us in an underground parking lot in Georgetown, one NSA official explained, “Our black ops budgets are immune to the fiscal train-wreck in Washington. Since the Afghan poppy season produced a bumper crop this year, we decided to strafe war-hardened, patriotic octogenarians as a test of our in-country capabilities.”
Could this be true? What would Ike say?
Reached at a Beltway coffee shop, one off-the-clock VA official reluctantly offered this assessment while attacking an elaborate German strudel:
“The VA observes a ‘one fascism per lifetime’ policy. Thus any WWII veteran injured in the current skirmish will not be eligible for medical coverage and could well imperil his benefits. We could go broke if we don’t exclude civil insurrections.”
“But we are broke.”
“All the more reason.”
Of course these all-too-human bureaucratic obfuscations are largely academic, especially as the drones now self-police their own shoot-to-kill provisions. Speaking in a metallic voice devoid of human emotion, a spokesman for the Pentagon’s Drone Emergency Auxiliary Division (DEAD) offered this: “The glint of aluminum wheelchairs on memorial grounds will be met with the full force of our deterrent capability.” Pressed to elaborate on the source-code of these marching orders, the spokesman beeped before offering, “The glint of aluminum wheelchairs on memorial grounds will be met with the full force of our deterrent capability.” Then, without warning the spokesman locked it steely gaze on my aluminum tape recorder, prompting this reporter to seek higher ground.
Drones, it should be noted, are designed to be short on words and long on lethality, mistaken identity and plausible deniability.
Recalling an era when men put their blood on the line, 89-year-old Lt. (ret.) Rusty ‘Big Red One’ Everett reminisced, “Had I known we’d be defeating German Panzer divisions to make the world safe for Yankee drones, I might have rethought the whole equation. You could see the Nazis on the cliffs above us. In hindsight, it was strangely comforting.”
No one in Congress could be reached for comment. As a general rule, few in Congress are ever reached for combat. Not far from Lt. Everett’s wheelchair, the clanging weight-plates of the still-opened House and Senate gym pounded away like the guns of Navarone.